


Give me Time

by albinohummingbird, Evermoriver



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, M/M, Rejection, Self-Hatred, at first
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-04-25 14:05:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4963528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/albinohummingbird/pseuds/albinohummingbird, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evermoriver/pseuds/Evermoriver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I missed you.<br/>Move. Move. Please move. He did. His heart seemed to give into his silent pleas.<br/>Turning, his breath grew rapid. His vision grew blurrier. The tears start to slide down his flushed cheeks.<br/>Hide…<br/>Of course he’d be the one pathetic enough to get into that situation.<br/>Of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Too good for me

It had all started with a simple text message from his alleged ‘friend’.

They were juniors and Kaneki had managed to save up enough money to buy a cell phone. Of course Hide had been the first enthusiastic contact added to his phone’s memory. However at that time that single text had led to a small exchange, which had then grown into small dry conversations, which had led to constant contact.

That day, Kaneki wasn’t sure whether to thank the phone for what he received or scream at the sky and hurl the small device across the road. He _had_ always had constant contact with Hide.

He would wake up and the first thing to do would be to check his phone for the message that he knew awaited him. The cheerful ‘Good mornin’ with another off hand comment attached, that stupid emoji and the fact that he had such an amazing best friend would be an automatic uplifting factor to his day. He got so used to talking to Hide over the phone when he wasn’t around him that he found himself excusing himself from gatherings just to talk to the other boy.

That had all stopped with Nishiki attacking Hide. No. He wouldn’t have been able to stand himself if anything had proven to have happened to Hide. So he ignored him.

Turning his phone to silent and leaving it in the trash behind Anteiku.

Those days were hard. He felt constantly alone, guilty. He _was_ a monster. But he was more of a monster in the sense that he was treating someone who had given him a second thought with so much indifference. The sickening feeling at the pit of his stomach had become a permanent resident, and not a day went by that he didn’t feel the suffocating loneliness threaten to crush him.

Days at Anteiku were nice. They were also guilt ridden.

* * *

 He wasn’t sure how long he had stood there, staring at the apartment, completely lost in thought. It must have been longer than he had imagined as the sun was starting to set, the sky streaked with oranges and pinks.

A soft gust of wind disrupted the stagnant scene, causing leaves to flutter on their branches, some softly floating to the ground to join other handfuls.

He perked up to the sound of footsteps crunching loudly on the gravel. A small thud followed, and turning he came face to face with his best friend.

“Kaneki?”

* * *

 “Why?” Her voice was laced with anger and pain. She cared. His thoughts cascading over him, threatening to drown him. He didn’t feel it when she left him abandoned on the ground.

He should return. He might be able to fix everything. He might be able to do good. He might be able to fix _everything._

Slowly he lifted his hand to his face, gingerly touching it. He could finally see a glimmer of hope in his bleak surroundings. He could fix this.

He smiled.

It took him a few more minutes before he could giddily pull himself off the ground and regain his senses. Before he had time to resume his thoughts, a glimmer caught his eye. Impulsively he slowly neared it, squinting at the object. It seemed trashed, leaning down to pick it up the realization crashed into him, making his blood run cold. It was his cell phone.

* * *

“Hide.” His voice was shaky, he knew if he spoke up again it would crack.

Those brown eyes were glistening with tears causing that ache to spread through his chest. Hide’s lips were shaking, his grocery lying forgotten on the ground.

“I’m sorry.” Kaneki whispered, putting his arms around himself. The ache was engulfing him. He knew that look on Hide’s face. He would recognise any expression on the other as well as what expression was to come. “I’m so sorry.”

“I- Kaneki. I missed you.” Hide’s voice cracked, an ugly chuckle following soon after. The white haired male gulped.

“I’m really sorry.” He tried again, his voice dropping slightly in volume. Hide looked at him, his eyes showing something. Something new. Something that made him feel sick.

Pity?  

* * *

He visibly flinched every time his phone vibrated, signalling a new message. There were a couple of messages from lesser friends, advertisements but Hide.

Hide was filling his phone’s memory.

‘Kaneki, you moron, you missed class again.’

‘The notes I’ve piled up for you.’

‘Mister! You are in trouble.’

He’d thrown his phone in the trash by the date the next barrage of messages had been received.

‘You’re stubborn you know…’

He bit his lip.

‘Man, it was freezing today.’

‘The places I’ve cycled to today!’

‘Your apartment’s a mess man. Sorry for the intrusion!’

His eyes were blinded by tears as he continued scrolling through them.

‘Happy birthday. You are the best thing that happened to me ya know. I’m glad you were born.’

‘I got you the coolest thing ever.’

‘I keep seeing you on the streets, in shops, everywhere.’

‘Guess I’m missing you enough to hallucinate.’

His breath was growing ragged.

‘Everyday is just… so monotonous.’

‘Kaneki, I miss you.’

‘I’m so tired.’

‘I’m just going to keep chasing ghosts. Your ghost. That’s the only thing that matters to me.’

The last message had been sent three days ago.

‘I’m really tired. I love you.’

* * *

“Hey, man. Kaneki, look at me. Hey, Kaneki.”

He flinched at the sound of his name, his eyes returning to Hide’s. He gulped, doing his best to hold eye contact with the other boy. His guilt was overpowering, he had fucked up. He had fucked everything up.

He didn’t know what to do.

He had left his best friend.

He had ruined everything and he so desperately was trying to salvage what was left. What was left between the two of them.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated, knowing full well that he sounded like a broken record. Hide looked at him distressed, looking torn. He raised his hand to reach for him and stopped himself just as quickly. He was holding himself back. He didn’t want to touch him.

“Kaneki. You don’t have to apologize.” His voice was strangely even, almost calm. Hide was never calm. He never used to be calm. He was always erratic, energized, excited about _something_.

“I- I do. Until I can make it okay.” He could feel his hands start to shake. Hide stared at him for a few minutes, his brown eyes scrutinizing his face, then he pulled his cap over his eyes, looking at his feet.

There was stifling silence for a few seconds.

“Kaneki, you don’t have to do anything.” Hide’s voice cracked at the last moment and he abruptly shut his mouth, effectively breaking his heart in the same instance.

“I’m so sorry. I’m really, really sorry Hide. Tell me what I can do to fix this. I’ll do anything. I’m sorry…” he staggered a few steps forward, stopping just shy of Hide. He was notably shaking now, tears coating his cheeks. “I missed you so much. So much. I just wanted to protect you. I just- I’m. I love you.”

* * *

The more he thought about it the funnier it became. It wasn’t as if the whole circumstances were new. They were just _so_ typical. The kind of situation that most people would look at and scoff, thinking: _Oh, there’s another one. That’s sad._

It was one of those recurring situations that you feel empathetic about with a slight un-attachment. Because there’s no way you’d be stupid enough to get yourself in that situation. Of course not.

_Of course not._

He had willed himself to smile when the other man had forced his lips into a grin.

The rejection had been the easiest part. Hearing the words slipping from the other’s mouth hadn’t been as destructive as he had previously thought it would have been. No. Hearing the words hadn’t hurt that much.

It was walking away that had.

Watching the other’s back in that brightly coloured coat disappearing slowly. Knowing he’d probably have to get used to seeing that. He’d never be able to walk beside him again after all, never look into those bright, warm, _warm_ eyes again. How could he after this?

Yes. Walking away was the hardest part.

Walking away meant facing the fact that this was over for good. Walking away meant acknowledging everything that was wrong.

He had always known it was wrong.

How had he been stupid enough to think he could fix this?

Stupid.

Stupid.

_Stupid._

Standing in the cold, the wind digging its icy claws into his already frozen form was better than moving. Standing in the dark, left vulnerable to other horrors was better than moving. After all how could he move? How could he move when _he_ wasn’t here to make him.

_You’re too slow._

His raspy breath was fogging up the air in front of him. Blinking rapidly he gripped himself tighter. A wobbly sound escaping him, ringing eerily in his ears. It was his own laugh.

_Yo, Kaneki._

His nails were digging into his arm as his mind willed him to move. His heart kept him rooted to the spot.

_We’re best buds after all._

He pressed his fist to his mouth, biting down to hold back the pathetic sounds that begged to escape.

_I missed you._

Move. Move. Please move. He did. His heart seemed to give into his silent pleas.

Turning, his breath grew rapid. His vision grew blurrier. The tears start to slide down his flushed cheeks.

_Hide…_

Of course he’d be the one pathetic enough to get into that situation.

_Of course._


	2. Coax the cause right out of me

It had been a few weeks and there had been no response, no reply from him. Around fifty missed calls and a couple hundred text messages later he had dropped it. He knew Hide was alive and well and he should have been happy and accepting of just that. He knew it hadn’t been fair of him to give up so quickly, but pride and selfishness were his dominating traits and knowing he wasn’t wanted left him a conflicted mess.

It wasn’t supposed to hurt as much as it did but he couldn’t control how he felt. He couldn’t help feeling betrayed and he couldn’t help the emptiness that had spread through his chest after being greeted with cold beds and insincere smiles- and he couldn’t help feeling stupid for having expected anything else from his life.

He turned away from the now clean table and returned to the till, plastering on his best smile and waiting for the next customer to arrive.

His days had taken on a surreal quality, contrasting sharply from his previous adrenaline filled; _scary_ life, which he was sure would have led him to a worse sort of hell.

The bell rang, and he looked up ready to greet the next customer.

The job was easy, the pay was good. His workers gave him a wide berth and he preferred it that way. His manager was kindly enough to not ask him questions about his past and supplied him with a free coffee.

He couldn’t really ask for better circumstances could he?

Could he?

It had been a tough decision to leave Anteiku to start work at another coffee shop- it felt like abandoning your team just to join up with the competition- and it added to his list of things he felt guilty about.

And he felt like the list was long enough- he was running out of paper.

* * *

Sat on the kitchen floor, his feet felt frozen and everything was cold. A forgotten mug of coffee lay on the counter and the pitter patter of rain was the only sound echoing around his apartment.

_He was recalling the time that Hide had spontaneously visited him when they were children- he had found him leant against the cabinets in the kitchen, wanting desperately to sink into the floor. His eyes had been red and puffy from tears and at that point it had felt like his whole world had crashed seeing Hide there._

_Who had let him in?_

_Didn’t he know his aunt was there?_

_It seemed as if Hide didn’t have a care in the world, his strong eyes held his firmly when he moved to settle beside him on the floor. He had wanted to flinch away but had been too scared to move. He had held his breath._

_Then he had felt those fingertips ghosting around his back, over his shoulder- hesitantly, hesitantly, gently placing themselves around him and wrapping him in warmth._

_He remembered sobbing. It had felt like he had sobbed for years and years, but not once had those arms flinched, or moved. They had patiently held him._

_Warmed him to his core._

He choked back a sob, dragging his hand down his face.

He wouldn’t cry over him.

He couldn’t cry over him.

He really shouldn’t cry over him. He had promised himself. He couldn’t break down over this. He couldn’t keep expecting smiles from Hide and a reassurance that yeah, everything would be fine. That Kaneki’s fuck up hadn’t shattered the only positive relationship from his human life. He couldn’t keep hoping. He’d promised…

Too bad he was shit at keeping promises.

* * *

 

He knew statistically it would have happened eventually. He worked in the crowded city of Tokyo and not too far from his old university and he knew he had to take it all in a stride and not act like he had been drenched with a bucket of ice cold water in the icy weather.

But seeing him looking so happy with a group of people he didn’t recognise was more heart wrenching then he would have thought. These were the people Hide used to leave in a heart beat for him.

_How could he have been so blind?_

He didn’t fail to notice that there was a weakness to Hide that hadn’t been visible before. He wished he could actually talk to him.

_He had been so fortunate._

Now he was just so lonely without him.

All his fears coming true one by one and the biggest one was staring him in the face like it was supposed to be an award worthy joke.

He knew that Hide knew that Kaneki knew he was working there and honestly it just hurt more when his eyes slid over him without a second thought. And he shakily made coffee trying to act as if the briefest eye-contact hadn’t set him ablaze.

He had ducked behind the coffee machine to stay as far away from him as possible. He hated the blatant ignorance more than anger and he just was still in denial of the fact that he had disgusted Hide to such an extent. It was expected but it was so painful, and his heart felt like it was being clawed at.

A loud laugh he would recognise anywhere echoed through the café and he dropped burning hot water over his hand, flinching. And when the coffee was made and placed on the tray he left to ask one of his co-workers to deliver it. She shot him a look that he ignored in favour of exiting to the supply closet.

He didn’t notice the pair of brown eyes glued to his back.

Closing the door behind him, he slid to the ground, taking in a shuddering breath.

Then he broke down crying.

* * *

 He didn’t know how this had happened. He had been walking towards his job, the day being drearily monotonous as it was everyday, the icy rain only adding to the bleak atmosphere. Suddenly there was running, and screaming.

And more screaming and oh God, he had felt himself freeze because there was blood _everywhere._ And it was more than enough to make him feel sick.

Sick at himself, because he could feel himself salivating at the inviting smell that hit him like a brick wall.

And he was just turning away from the scene to leave, call his manager and make a terrible excuse and take the day off wallowing in self-pity. But something grabbed his leg. His knee-jerk reaction was to kick out but he somehow refrained himself- and thank God he did- turning to see there was a child there. Clutching his trousers like a lifeline, her face tear-streaked and red and he could feel his heart sinking.

And somehow before he knew it he was pulled into a whole story with ambulances, and hospitals and the little girl who he was starting to confuse with Hinami was dragging him along. It turned out that her mother had been in an accident, an unfortunate hit and run and it also turned out that Hinami 2.0 had grabbed onto him and since they couldn’t find her official guardian he had decided to act as one.

She was leaning against his shoulder three hours later, sitting on the uncomfortable grey chairs in the waiting area and he couldn’t get the smell of antiseptic out of his nostrils.

He decided that hospitals made his skin crawl. Anything remotely medical did. Not to mention it reminded him with his run in with death as well as his lovely patron angel, Doctor Kanou.

His eyes wandered past the reception, which seemed to be the only thing in the whole area that wasn’t on the white, grey, black spectrum. Open doors, showing sad people, sick people, hopeless people.

He yawned again, the girl shifting against him and he wanted to reach out and tell her to relax, but he was too anxious to sound domineering. He kept his mouth shut and kept his body relaxed hoping it was comfortable enough for her.

He wanted to close his eyes, rest a little but the bright white lights burned through his closed lids like a punishment. So he sat still, waiting for any news on this girl’s mother. The girl who seemed to have no other relative other than her mother.

It wasn’t long before he felt himself dozing off, Hinami, as he had dubbed her, already asleep, her lithe body almost curled around him.

“I’m afraid it seems like it’s getting worse, the lethargy is normal and we’ll increase the dosage on your medicine but it does seem to be progressing quite quickly.”

Hopeless people indeed.

“There’s absolutely nothing you can do?”

His eyes shot open and he could feel his head spin around fast enough to give himself whiplash.

“I’m sorry Nagachika-san, it’s terminal.”

There was silence and he could feel himself freezing.

“I understand.” Hide nodded, looking so utterly normal in his usual bright clothing that it hurt his head. He was struggling to process what he had heard.

He could feel his ears ringing, and he was shocked out of his frozen state by a doctor placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Kaneki san?”

From the corner of his eye he could see Hide’s head whip around to see him much in the same fashion his own had done.

“Kaya’s mother seems to be in stable condition, we’ve contacted her aunt and she will be flying over as quickly as possible. In the meanwhile we’ll take care of her,” she continued on to explain procedures and how helpful he had been and he nodded numbly.

He could see Hide turning to leave, seemingly done with his appointment.

The words terminal were running through his head and nothing made sense but it felt like the most clarity he had felt in eons.

Abruptly he got to his feet and somehow forgetting his manners took off after Hide. Hide must have speed-walked out of the hospital because he wasn’t anywhere in sight. He blindly took off towards the right and pushing past the throng of people he searched for Hide wildly. And he was nowhere to be found.

Nowhere.

And frustration and helplessness was bubbling through him and he wanted to find Hide no matter what. And he had almost given up hope when he saw a flash of blonde turn the corner across the street. Hastily he darted after his only chance and when turning he saw him in the distance. Stopping at a stop sign, looking restless and red faced. Kaneki pressed his lips together and he was nothing if not determined and he was determined at this moment. He needed to talk to Hide.

He needed to know.

And just as the light turned green for walkers to cross he reached Hide, grabbing his arm before he could take off again. It felt like possibly the boldest move he’d made with his friend- aside from the confession.

Hide seemed to turn to stone beneath him and they stood there for a few heartbeats, the silence deafening, painful, making his stomach turn sharply and he felt like he was desperately trying to catch his breath.

“Kaneki?” He dared to look up and Hide looked so _pained,_ he swallowed uncomfortably.

“We- we really need to talk,” he dropped the arm that had been holding Hide back. Hide let out a huff of air.

“Kaneki… I already said no- I’m sorry but-”

“This isn’t about my feelings or your obvious rejection Hide.” He said sharply, his cheeks reddening from humiliation.

Hide was chewing on his lip and he looked away quickly.

“Fine, let’s go talk.”

* * *

He could feel the anxiety clawing at him and he twiddled his thumbs waiting for Hide to take a seat across from him. There was no reassuring smile on his face and there was no small talk. The walk to Kaneki’s apartment had almost been painfully silent. There had been a small surprise: “Oh, you moved,” from Hide and then return to their previous stance of celibacy from conversation.

“Comfortable place you have,” Hide commented, his tone obviously strained but at least he was making an effort. Kaneki had to stop himself from scoffing because his apartment was bare, no books, no decorations, bare necessities and monotone features.

“Thanks.”

Hide shifted uncomfortably.

“What was it that you wanted to talk about?” he asked, his voice dropping an octave and Kaneki had to stop himself from flinching.

“I heard what the doctor said,” he mumbled, trying to get straight to the point. Hide exhaled, dropping his head into his hands.

“It wasn’t like that,” he heard him say, his voice muffled and Kaneki swallowed. “So you’re not terminal?” he asked sounding stupidly hopeful- he’d take anything to not believe what he had heard, but reason wasn’t ready to start tolerating his fantasies.

Hide dragged his hands down his face, a shaky smile on his lips. “No, I’m not Ken.”

That’s when he felt his world crashing around him- he couldn’t take this. “Stop lying to me Hide.” He could feel anxious tears welling up in his eyes and he found himself on the ground in front of Hide, looking up at his face for any sort of reassurance he wasn’t lying.

“Please tell me the truth,” he pleaded breathlessly.

Just like that Hide’s smile fell and his mask with it and he had never looked so small or vulnerable and Kaneki knew that there was no hope. He had to believe what he had heard.

He hadn’t heard wrong.

And the feeling of helplessness was wound around him tightly and he didn’t know how to react. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to comfort Hide. He couldn’t just take him to the music store or Big Girl to make it better. He was completely helpless.

And Hide was too.

And Hide was falling into his arms, pulling him tightly against him and Kaneki realized he had been sobbing- _and Hide was comforting him._

And he clutched Hide tighter trying not to think about how this may be their last moment like this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How did you remember this?" he asked surprised, taking Kaneki's hand as he reached him. Kaneki shrugged, still smiling, albeit abashedly.
> 
> The music was starting to speed up.
> 
> "You told me, how would I forget?" Kaneki asked, flushing. And oh God Hide could feel himself falling harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand its finally almost ending  
> It probably will be soon tbh  
> Thanks for reading!

The reconciliation for the two of them had been easy, and it hadn't taken a lot of convincing on both sides- that yes, this is the right step.

We have to do this.

This is how it has to continue.

Together- what else would make sense?

And being together again was easy, like remembering how to ride a bike. Remembering how to breathe.

And Hide had confessed in a shaky voice how it had all began.

Pens falling. Cans of coffee splattered on carpets and pavements- splattered like blood stains; and for Hide, they had been, they had almost held similar consequences when he had finally understood what was happening.

And he had explained how he had thought that it was all the caffeine that he had been consuming, and how he'd thought it was the exhaustion from combined studies and searching for Kaneki, but it had turned out to be something worse.

And a tired smile had graced his features when he told him how funny fate was that Kaneki found out just as he had.

The tears had been one sided, and it hadn't been Kaneki who had pressed their bodies closer together, it hadn't been him who had gingerly brought their lips close. And after the first kiss everything had bathed itself in yellows, and soft peaches in their grey lives. And he'd held Hide's hand when he had confessed of where he had disappeared to.

And just like that their lives had easily entwined together.

* * *

The decline had been steady- barely noticeable. But it was noticeable.

When he had returned home from work to find Hide flopped tiredly on the sofa his heart had sank to his feet. The television was turned off and Hide was staring blankly at it; the remote on the ground in front of the dingy sofa.

"I'm home," he'd stated gently, taking off his jacket and lightly folding it over the back of the nearest chair. There was no response, and it caused his anxiety to spike. He feigned normality as he walked towards Hide, leaning down and kissing his cheek. There was still no response.

"Hide?" he asked him quietly.

Hide flinched, glancing up at Kaneki from beneath his lashes. And that's when Kaneki knew for definite that something was very, very wrong. The usual bright glimmer of excitement, brightness, _something_ _;_ it wasn't there.

"Hide?" he repeated, his heart doing painful things, his voice sounding less steady than he wanted.

"Kaneki," his voice cracked, and he was shooting up into his arms, his whole body shaking.

"I couldn't do it."

He swallowed, slowly lowering himself and Hide to the sofa, as gently as he could manage.

"I kept pressing the wrong buttons," he whispered, "M-my fingers won't listen. They feel like sludge Kaneki. What do I do?"

He slid his hands into Hide's, running his thumb over the back of them in hopefully soothing circles.

Lowering his head, he pressed it against Hide's; they were nose to nose, their lips ghosting over each other, their foreheads pressed together.

He looked into his best-friend's, his lover's eyes with as much reassurance as he could muster.

"Breathe."

* * *

"So now you're going to read to me?" Hide asked, struggling to keep the bite out of his voice. And when Kaneki's face fell a little he knew he hadn't managed. He tried. He really did. But it was hard not to be _frustrated_ when he was basically an invalid.

He wasn't yet.

But soon he would be and there would be absolutely nothing left of him and then what? He wouldn't be able to talk he'd just be a flop. Another piece of useless furniture while in reality he'd just be stuck inside his body, doomed to become useless.

Just like his family had predicted. And then who would Kaneki be able to turn to?

_His burden of a boyfriend?_

He scoffed quietly, and Kaneki looked up at him frowning.

"Am I- Should I go?" he asked quietly, sensing his bad mood; A small dent forming between his snowy eyebrows.

Hide sighed, struggling to not drag his hand down his face in exasperation, and he knew perfectly well he was being unreasonable, and no he wasn't usually a dick.

He had to make an effort.

He had to make an effort to be kind to Kaneki, Kaneki who had dropped everything to be with him and help him and support him. Not unlike he had when Kaneki had disappeared.

He forced a smile to his face.

"Turn on some music?" Hide asked, his heart fluttering slightly when Kaneki returned his smile.

"I'll put on something by your favourites Hide." He turned on his laptop, his lip caught between his teeth in concentration. Hide squinted, trying to see the name.

"I hope it's something American. I can't wait to Westernise you," he shot back, grinning.

Kaneki tutted mock condescendingly, turning away from the laptop grinning at him.

Not a minute passed before the opening music for 'Love Somebody' started. He perked up immediately.

"How did you remember this?" he asked surprised, taking Kaneki's hand as he reached him. Kaneki shrugged, still smiling, albeit abashedly.

The music was starting to speed up.

"You told me, how would I forget?" Kaneki asked, flushing. And oh God Hide could feel himself falling harder.

He pushed himself off the bed dragging Kaneki with him. He looked startled at the sudden movement.

"Dance with me?" he mumbled imploringly, placing his head to rest on Kaneki's shoulder and snaking his arms around his waist. Kaneki kissed the side of his head and mutely nodded.

His arms came around his chest, his hands resting on his shoulder. The music played softly. They swayed quietly, relishing in the proximity, the warmth, the feeling of togetherness.

And he realized he hadn't felt this content in a while, all fear of his own death was slowly washing away.

The inevitability of his death that was festering like an untreated wound was soothing itself out, and it felt like his eyes had opened. And now he realized that there was a permanent fear in Kaneki's eyes every time he looked at Hide. As if Hide would slip out of his hands at any given moment. And Hide wasn't stupid enough to believe in miracles. He knew he was going to die, but he wanted to die in a way Kaneki wouldn't be left empty.

He couldn't let that happen.

Hide raised his head to meet Kaneki's eyes.

And there it was.

There was that fear that he had so grown to despise, the look that made Hide feel like he was being viewed as a fragile glass object. He knew he shouldn't feel frustrated, he knew he shouldn't, but he did. But he loved Kaneki more than his petty frustrations.

And he would get rid of that terror.

They continued to sway, this time staring at each other without restraint, drinking in each other's features, each other's soft careful touches and hesitant smiles. The sappy love song drawling on behind them and Kaneki leaned forward to press their foreheads together.

He wanted to close his eyes, but Kaneki's were open, and he saw the open adoration he was so obliviously not noticing earlier.

He leaned more heavily on Kaneki, raising his hands to loop them around his neck, and Kaneki lowered his arms around his waist. Essentially switching positions they fell into a steadier rhythm with the beat.

Kaneki smiled shyly, and Hide felt his heart skip a beat. Oh God, he was so lucky. So, so lucky.

His mouth felt dry.

He leaned forward to kiss Kaneki just as the song ended, and his heart soared when he felt Kaneki smile into the kiss before deepening it.

And he decided dancing in boxers and socks at 3am with his extremely nerdy ghoul boyfriend was a life changing event for them. But most of all he was glad he got to see Kaneki ruffled, happier, close. And best of all he got to kiss those lips until they were bruised, and he was sure his were too.

He slept better than he had for the past two months tangled in Kaneki's warm arms.

"You have the prettiest eyes," Kaneki murmured, making Hide's eyebrows shoot up. He put aside his Nintendo to lean towards Kaneki who was shielding himself with his book.

"Do I?" He teased, grinning. Kaneki reddened.

"You really do. They're bright, and excited and I love seeing them light up," he said earnestly, lowering his book. Now it was Hide's turn to flush.

"What's up with you?"

Kaneki smiled slyly, putting his book aside and leaning towards him.

"You usually leave me tongue tied and I've been trying to articulate a proper way of putting it into words."

Hide was pretty sure he was going to remain a permanent shade of red at this rate because Kaneki was being saccharine sugary, and as much as he wanted to act like he wasn't too affected he was sure he'd squeal if this continued.

"And you've managed?" Hide asked him, taking his hands and linking them with his own, resting them on his knees.

"I don't think I can properly put into words how you make me feel, it would be too sappy. You'd definitely cry." Kaneki was smiling at him sweetly and he just wanted to lean forward and connect their lips and wipe that smile off his face and leave him breathless.

"I'd definitely _not_ cry!" He said indignantly, shaking his head at Kaneki's betrayal. Kaneki rolled his eyes.

"You cried during that English movie you were watching, about the robots," Kaneki said accusingly, and Hide pouted in response.

"You're a robot," he responded. Kaneki grinned, running his thumb over his knuckles and he shivered.

"You're literally everything that shines. Everything bright, everything warm, everything good reminds me of you. And sometimes I want to tell you I love you because I have all these… these feelings. And I don't want to overwhelm you-" Hide opened his mouth to say something. To tell him that in no way would he be overwhelmed or put off, or anything Kaneki feared. And how Kaneki was just as much to him if not more but Kaneki just shook his head.

"-I want you to know that I every time I've said I love you I've meant it. Tradition and comfort aside I mean it. Every time. I love you so much seriously. I didn't think I was capable of loving like this. With everything that has happened I didn't think I deserved happiness- that I'd be able to get it. But you just… You messed me up so good and then you just smiled and I was healing a little you know." He paused for a second, not meeting Hide's eyes.

"You set me a path. You helped me improve and led the way. I mean I knew that I wanted to protect you ever since this ghoul thing happened to me but Hide, I'm so glad you've stuck around and you're just… _amazing."_ Kaneki looked up at him, smiling slightly, his face falling a little.

"Are you actually _crying?!_ "

Hide wiped his eyes, damn those traitorous tears.

" _You're_ crying." He retorted, sticking out his tongue, trying to clear his blurry vision.

Kaneki started laughing, open mouthed and free, his eyes crinkling in glee and Hide's heart swelled.

He threw his hands around his neck.

He was so in love.

* * *

“Kaneki!” 

He was tired, sulky, trapped in a cocoon of blankets as Kaneki hummed softly in the kitchen. He felt as if his whole body was falling apart, and he couldn’t even manage to grab his phone from across the room. 

He frowned at the offending object, a sick ugly feeling rising through him. It screamed of unfairness, and frustration. Sure he could sit up, but it was taking effort he wasn’t used to. 

Walking was taking effort.

So he sat- preserving energy.

After all he did have some ulterior motives for the moment.

“I’m here!” he sounded out of breath as he entered the bedroom, apron tied messily, and flour on his face. Hide could see the small black strands of hair growing through the white from his head.

The whole situation was so domestic that it warmed Hide to his core. 

“Pass me my phone, pudding head,” he teased. Kaneki grinned in response, easily tossing him the device that was making his life so difficult. 

“You’re welcome.”

Hide smiled. 

He gestured him closer with his chin, and Kaneki walked towards him gracefully. Hips swaying in a way that made Hide swallow.

“Yes?” he asked, the small signs of concern beginning to make their way onto his delicate features.

Hide beckoned again, softening his expression, smiling in that way that made Kaneki melt. He was a needy little shit after all. Kaneki responded to his request easily.

He smirked, pressing his lips to the corner of his mouth, silently relishing Kaneki’s sharp intake of breath. 

“You had chocolate there,” he murmured, moving his lips to meet his. It seemed as if Kaneki had been waiting for it because he kissed back readily, lowering himself over Hide, his flour covered apron getting the powder all over Hide’s clothes.

He looped his arms around him, pulling him down, causing Kaneki to fall on him with a yelp. Hide ginned as Kaneki burst into quiet laughter, pressing his face into his neck.

“What are you doing Hide?” Kaneki asked, looking up at him, his eyes dancing with mirth. There was an abundance of fondness in his expression that made his heart constrict painfully. This was his. 

This was his life.

Kaneki was his.

He ran his hands over his shirt, fumbling with the knot of his apron. When it didn’t give way Hide sighed, dropping his hand to Kaneki’s butt, squeezing a little. Kaneki reddened, and Hide smirked.

“Let me fuck you?” 

Kaneki’s face blanked, and the flush on his skin grew, disappearing under his shirt collar.

There was an awkward pause where Hide almost regretted saying those words, and thought about making a horrible excuse or laughing the whole thing off as a joke. Then they could continue their easy lives, without sexual activity, and live happily ever after. He should laugh. He should start to laugh now- 

“And they say romance is dead,” Kaneki mumbled, untangling the mess that was the apron around him and dropping it. His heart soared. His embarrassment dying. 

Hide licked his lips in delight, as he watched him settle back onto his thighs and start to work on his shirt.

“I’ll hold back on the roses next time love,” he said absent-mindedly, as Kaneki shrugged off his shirt, throwing it on top of the apron, and he was so gorgeous. God, he was  _ beautiful. _

“You’re so fucking ripped what the hell,” he blurted shamelessly, his eyes raking over his chest. 

“Um?” He watched in fascination as the flush travelled to his chest, and he was so gorgeous. He swallowed, raising his hand to touch his skin lightly. Kaneki took in a sharp breath and Hide paused, smiling up at him to confirm it was okay. His touch was okay.

Kaneki smiled back uncertainly, his cheeks still red, and nodded.

“Kiss me,” Hide said, sliding his thumb over the curve of Kaneki’s hip bone. 

He gasped, wriggling on his lap.

“Hi- Hide-” he ground out, as Hide worked his fingers over the v of his hips, stopping just shy of his waist-band, playing with the button of his jeans. 

“Yes?” he asked, flashing his hundred watt smile. 

“Is this a good idea?” Kaneki sounded out of breath already.

Hide hummed in response, dragging his body up, so they were nose to nose. 

“My dick thinks so,” he mumbled, kissing Kaneki’s jaw, sliding his lips to his neck. He kissed him once, twice. Nosing at his neck, inhaling the sweet, saccharine scent of sugar and sweat that clung to him.

He took the skin between his teeth and Kaneki tilted his head letting out a soft ‘ah’ that made all the blood in his body rush south.

“Hide- are you sure, like-”  He groaned as Hide flicked his nipple with his thumb, breaking off mid-sentence. 

“Sensitive,” Hide whispered, nipping at his collar-bone. 

He wasn’t sure what overcame him at that point. His body was thrumming with need, need, need. And Kaneki’s skin tasted delicious under his lips, he was warm and inviting, and when Hide bit his earlobe he ground down. Fuck.

Fuck. That was so hot.

“If you’re worried about my health, I think I can manage this,” he said popping his jeans button open and palming him through the fabric.

Kaneki groaned softly.

“Are you okay with this?” he asked softly, removing his hand to trail it over the small of his back. 

Kaneki ground down on him, startling a groan out of him. His fingers’ brushed through his hair, raking nails along his scalp and pulled him into a searing kiss. He kissed back, sliding his tongue over Kaneki’s lips, which parted for him. 

“Fuck me good Hide.”

 

Kaneki ground down on him, startling a groan out of him. His fingers’ brushed through his hair, raking nails along his scalp and pulled him into a searing kiss. He kissed back, sliding his tongue over Kaneki’s lips, which parted for him. 

“Fuck me good Hide.”

* * *

They were horrifically domesticated, easily dancing around each other, two planets in orbit. Hide would make him coffee when he could, and Kaneki would read to him, and they’d watch movies together, and Kaneki would always put on the dog ones that would make Hide cry because he was cruel like that.

Hide would get his revenge by playing the naruto opening eight on repeat for three days, which Kaneki had admitted to hating, but then he’d find him doing laundry and humming it. It was small moments of showing each other sloth videos, and arguing over which coffee blend was the best that made him settle into an easy sense of comfort. 

He could forget he was sick some days.

He was just a normal guy, living with his equally normal best-friend, turned boyfriend. It had all been very natural and after a misunderstanding they had fallen deeply in love, and they had proclaimed their love for each other and they were going to get engaged soon, because they loved each other. Not because one of them was terminally ill, losing all mobility in his body, losing speech slowly, and he wanted to see the man he had loved the most throughout his life wearing the ring he had bought for him at the start of university.

So Hide could say, he was surprised when Kaneki had shyly asked him if he wanted to go out with him. He’d been dressed quickly enough to make Kaneki make fun of him for his over-eagerness. 

They’d walked slowly, Hide’s hand warm in Kaneki’s, swinging their arms as they walked aimlessly.

Kaneki lost in thought as he stared at the sky while Hide easily maneuvered them around other pedestrians. He’d occasionally catch his eye and they’d smile at each other like the lovesick idiots they were.

Just when Hide was about to ask where they were going Kaneki led them to the small river bank near their elementary school. 

Hide glanced around, turning back to look at Kaneki who smiled again, nervous. Hide squeezed his hand reassuringly. He didn’t understand his reason for his worry, but he knew Kaneki well enough that he understood that he had days where he got anxious.

It seemed this was one of them. 

Kaneki turned back to the view, staring at the sunset, the oranges and pinks reflecting in the water, creating a perfect monet. 

“It’s so beautiful,” he murmured, his hand still clasped in Hide’s, and Hide couldn’t take his eyes of him. 

“Yeah,” he breathed. 

Kaneki turned back to him, his eyebrows raised, and Hide had the decency to duck his head sheepishly at his cheesiness. Kaneki blushed, a small smile playing on his lips.

He took a deep breath.

Looked him in the eyes.

Took his other hand in his.

“This was where we met,” he said, his voice shaky. Realisation hit Hide, as he glanced at the bank, a small ‘oh’ escaping him. Kaneki cleared his throat.

“I was sat here, after high school, reading, and you were talking. And you kept talking, and I couldn’t pay attention to the book at all- I was- I thought I was annoyed, so I tried to like- block you out. But I couldn’t. I just kept listening. And laughing. And you made me laugh so much. And- I realised- that I wanted to hear you talk to me forever.”

Hide squeezed his hands, the stupid smile that had somehow made its way on his lips not leaving him.

Kaneki offered him a small smile.

“It was the last day of high school, and you had invited your girl-friend and your friends, and I’d sat there, book in my hand- and I knew I was jealous- I sat there right- thinking I was so lonely. And- You were stood there- at the bottom of the bank, with your girl-friend staring at you adoringly- Like- Like you’d hung the stars in the sky- and who can blame her I mean- And you turned to me, and you smiled. You smiled this smile that lit up your whole face, and you smiled that smile for me. I never saw that smile for anyone else- and- and I thought- Oh God, I’m in love with him- I’m in love with-”

“Kaneki- You’re going to make me cry,” Hide said, his voice shaking dangerously already. 

Kaneki’s expression was soft, his eyes like melting silver, and Hide wanted to steal the stars from the sky for him. He was smiling at him so tenderly. Like Hide was a gift, a precious treasure, and it hurt him in the most unexplainably pleasant way that he couldn’t articulate in any way.

“That’s the smile,” he said proudly. And, yeah he was definitely going to cry.

“I came back to this place, after I decided to quit Anteiku. And I stared out into the river, and I thought: ‘I need my best friend back. I’m going to get my best friend back. I’m going to tell him I love him.’”

“You did,” Hide said, wincing guiltily as he recalled Kaneki’s heartbreak.

“I did.” He didn’t sound upset.

Kaneki dropped their linked hands, shoving his hand into his pocket. Hide watched him confused, his breath catching when he pulled out a small glittering object, his mind barely following as Kaneki dropped to one knee.

He didn’t notice when a couple of people paused to watch. His eyes were glued to Kaneki.

“I- I wanted this to be the place- I-” he cleared his throat awkwardly, as Hide watched him slack-jawed. Kaneki seemed to find his resolve.

“Will you marry me, Hide? I promise to make you happy, and I promise to make you good food and listen to your favourite music, and- Will you marry me?”

Hide’s eyes were misty as he nodded rapidly, “Yes, yes, yes, Ken, yes,” he didn’t think before launching himself at Kaneki, falling over his own legs and crashing into him. 

They fell into a painful heap of tangled limbs on the ground, and Kaneki started laughing, his cheeks wet from tears. 

“I’m so glad.”

Hide kissed him. Soft, loving. 

“I’m glad too.”

* * *

He was twisting the gold ring around his finger. Occasionally it would catch the light and glitter brightly making Hide grin.

The bleak hospital waiting room surely needed some form of brightness. His jacket wasn’t bright enough, the engagement ring would have to do.

The inscription ‘Ohne Dich’ was hidden against the skin of finger, and he didn’t need to know what it meant. Only that the gold band on his finger made him feel light and heavy all at once.

After all, he debated, that some things were better left as surprises. 

Since Kaneki hadn’t commented on the ring further than saying how gold looked beautiful on him, and how that was the only article resembling clothing he liked to see him in, he hadn’t asked further.

He fondly recalled Kaneki’s expression when Hide had pulled out his own ring when they’d returned to their apartment. A silver ring that he himself had gotten painfully engraved.

He had argued with the ringmaker that: no, he had to fit more than thirty characters onto it, and when they’d stood off against each other, him barely nineteen, and he’d gotten a firm no, they’d struggled together to rephrase the quote.

“If I know what love is, it is because of you.”

A quote by Herman Hesse, and hell if Kaneki hadn’t gushed about him for hours to Hide. And hell if he hadn’t loved every second of it. 

Kaneki’s ring sparkled as he exited the office, and Hide looked up at him, smiling brilliantly. Kaneki smiled back, taking his hand in his as he stood.

“I got the papers.”

Hide beamed.

His hand brushed his fiance’s ring.

‘I love because of you,’ it said.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is appreciated


End file.
